Hate to leave Germany

Posted by:
anjci

Under:
Everyday musings

I am tired, very tired. Not from work, but from this necessity to move around from place to place all the time. The past few weeks have been overwhelmed by ideas about home, Riga, Lettland, the Baltics… giving me such assurance that Germany was not really my sort of a home. Add numerous telephone calls to ever-so-optimistic parents insisting only one month remained till the end of my contract.

And then, last night, the revelation came. Why this passivity, indifference to once exciting things, want in the times of plenty? For goodness sake, I do not want to return to Riga. In fact, globally, I hate the idea of going back to Finland. And I loathe to leave Germany. I love it here. I love the gray weather, the ugly Frankfurter buildings, and those serpentine queues at LIDL. Even more so, I love my colleagues, my office, my desk, my projects. I also love Frankfurt for its links with the outside world. In Finland, I was cut off from all activity, well-marinated in the north without a right of parole. Riga was not much different, though, certainly, connections to the wild Eastern Neighbour (careful, watching!) are a notch better established. Frankfurt is a gateway to places in Europe my eyes have not yet seen. Had I had more cash, it would likewise be a gateway to places *outside* Europe my eyes would desire to see.

Something to look forward to once this internship is over and I am back on the dole in Finland? Hardly. The professor situation is still being settled, with an appeal now forwarded to Her Highness Miss Rector. I will be staying in the very north of Helsinki and will be commuting to the centre daily. It is unclear how long I will need to stay or with what frequency I will need to visit this glorious country. I hate the idea of coming back. I am allergic to the cold. This especially concerns the coldness in people. Watch the Finns’ alien smiles, their small nordic eyes shining in the dull nordic darkness at 3 p.m., their accents, and their abrupt manners. And then all the useless studies which London insists I finish. Little do they know of Finnish bureaucracy.

Then dozens of old mates get back in touch to say Merry Christmas. Same to you, sir/ma’am. Anna, you have such a great resume, fantastic experiences, every door is open… perhaps. But I am dead tired of moving around, sleeping on top of my suitcases, never quite unpacked, fetching my stuff between four countries. Also, personally, I feel something is missing in my life, no idea what. There is something important which is still not in place. I am not happy. Where is that happiness in a shack? Would I trade my position for a bit of happiness? Nah.

…our office leaves for a 2-day team building session in Schloss Montabaur in three hours – something to numb this pain, if only for a little while.